


Wher' Mi Smokez at, Yo?

by willy-o-the-wisp (bluekupkakez)



Category: Durarara!!, Naruto
Genre: AU, Blowjobs, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, M/M, convenience store sex, courtesan/pornstar!Sasuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:37:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3526112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluekupkakez/pseuds/willy-o-the-wisp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late Saturday night. Heavy rain. Shizu-chan needed his smokes quick.  Oo’ els’.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yo! Another set of epic quests for the great trio…another opportunity for me to mangle English. 
> 
> I still have very little idea who canon Sasuke is and what he’s supposed to do. No matter. Shizaya like him anyway, even with his name purposefully misspelled. 
> 
> Have fuuun~! (And don’t take this too seriously.)
> 
> Disclaimer: No, I don’t own these characters, but I love to cast them in ridiculous roles and they don’t seem to mind.

It wasn’t the best of nights for Shizuo Heiwajima, otherwise known as "the blond terror of Ikebukuro". Oh, no, it was a bad night. A terrible one, because he’d run out of cigarettes. He, the strongest and toughest, had run out of the one and only brand he smoked! On a Saturday. In the middle of the night, no less.

What on earth was he supposed to do, eh?! EEEEEH???!!!  

Wait until morning?

_Never!_

Go out and buy some?

_In this rain?_

It was pouring cats and dogs (whatever the fuck that meant). It had been so, for ages, and there weren’t any signs it was willing to slow down a bit and take a break. A smoke break…

_AAAAH!_

He slammed his fist into the kitchen wall, leaving a realistic imprint of his knuckles on the cracked plaster.

_Serv’s yeah right fa’ smirkin’ a’ mi!_

Oh, man. He was already starting to see things and the voices in his head had taken on a weird, _in-da-hood_ accent. It’s been just an hour since he’d enjoyed the final drag of his final cigarette. _An hour!_ So, obviously, there was no way he could wait until morning. He’d have to go out, defy the fickle wather and cater to his one and only (acknowledged) addiction.

The tall blond pulled on a hooded jacket and slammed shut behind him the door to the modest appartment he was currently inhabiting. The whole building shuddered, and so did his neighbours in their sleep, curled up in their comfy little beds.

_Lu’ky basta’ds!_

Shizuo couldn’t help envying them. He’d be doing the same, if it weren’t for the disconcerting revelation that he’d run out of his smokes. Anyway, he’ll fix it somehow. The blond started dragging his tired feet down the endless flights of stairs.

_One, two, foo, ten, million ‘n ten…Maaan, who put all ‘ese dumb steps heea, why ‘ey no endin’??_

Shizuo’s nicotine-deprived state did little to improve his notoriously short temper. When he finally exited the building, he stopped for a moment and looked around. Some may say he was a bit _disoriented_ – but never to his face, unless they wanted it partially removed, along with the rest of their body. He was sure there was a convenience store somewhere close…Hard to see anything in this downpour.

It was what it was. Shizuo pulled on his _gangsta_ hood and dashed into the rain. And thus, his quest began.

The store had better be open.

 _Oo’ els’_.

^_^

 

It was an equally unpleasant night for Sassuke, although for entirely different reasons. No surname, “Sassuke” was plenty enough for him – ninja extraordinaire, x-rated movie star and part-time model employee at the _24/7-yo_ convenience store. The long hours dragged with the speed of dead snails and he felt that if he had to stack more canned mushrooms or whatever on the shelves, he’d start pulling off his impeccably styled hair. Not that he showed on the outside any sign of his growing impatience - he was a professional. A _number one_. The best, even, if his _Mama-san_ was to be believed. He was a good boy, and he did believe her. Over the years, she’d taught him many useful skills and essential techniques, which had enabled him to deal with (and greatly please) a vast array of customers. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t anything else to be learnt. Oh, no, like a true master of the _Secret Ass Technique_ , he was always seeking to improve his abilities, to learn new and exciting secrets of the ellusive art of the pillow.

But it was a veeery slow night.

The most _interesting_ \- and mildly annoying, even for someone with a patience like Sassuke’s - thing that had been happening during the past three hours had been the odd can jumping out of his hand and rolling off who knew where. Sassuke would then spend half an hour searching for it. It was ridiculous how the cans seemed to possess a mind of its own. It’d already happened four times…or was it five? The ninja didn’t remember. He’d been so focused on the task of retrieving the wayward can that nothing else had mattered at that moment. That was him, always living in the present and he took great pride in this ability of his.

And in the million others he had, too.

So, apart from crawling on all fours on the cold, hard and shiny floor, trying unsuccessfully to calculate the escape route of the latest can, nothing much happened on his shift. What did he expect? It was a Saturday night, it was very late, according to most people’s standards (not to his, though; he’d always been a great fan of the dark side), and it was rainig heavily.

Who, in their right mind, would come to _24/7-yo_ now?

At least if the Manager had been around, and not away on some “errand”, doing who-knew what kinky things without him, he would’ve invited his dear _Sassu-chan_ in his office for an impromptu _training session_ on the best PR and marketing strategies – whatever those were – and time would’ve passed in a more productive and exciting way. And, if Sassuke was especially _good_ (that is, _naughty_ , according to the Manager’s standards), they would even reenact some of his earlier cinematographic masterpieces and favourites of his, including “Don’t Drop the Soap! Vol. 17” and “Oi, You’ve Dropped the Soap! Vol. 9” – soap was optional, although it had its pleasant uses.

Sassu-chan smiled fondly at these memories – that is, smiled inwardly, Mona Lisa fashion. His face remained as blank as ever, just as _Mama-san_ had taught him. He was the most mysterious ninja ever, an enigma so deep (and hot, and tight) that he’d been nicknamed by fans and clients alike _3xM_ : Man-Mountain-Mystery (or triple masochist).

While Sassuke was too busy contemplating his mystery and greatness (or _mysterious greatness_ , if you prefer; _he_ certainly did), another can took advantage of his distracted mind and jumped right out of his hand. It landed on the floor with a loud _Bang!_ and rolled defiantly under the opposite set of shelves. Sassuke sighed. That simply wouldn’t do. Not on his watch, anyway. He wanted to arrange the cans impeccably on the shelves, to gain the Manager’s praises. And _reward._

_Oooh, the reward…_

Sassu-chan licked his lips in anticipation and got quickly on all his lithe fours in search for the metallic wanderer. And thus his quest began, too.

 

^_^

 

By the time Shizuo reached _24/7-yo_ , several things had happened to him and his mood was fouler than ever. One: he was soaked to the bone, because _tha’ shittee jaket_ of his had proven less than inadequate to stave off the deluge.

Two: he’d been attacked several times by some zombie-hobos-whatever who had mistaken him for a “pretty lady” in the rain and wanted to kidnap or drag him to some filthy alley and show him _a good time_. The blond had encountered little difficulty in showing them how good his _manly_ _fists_ felt, but that had taken a bit of time – a few precious moments he could’ve been putting to better use - like satisfying his increasing tobacco craving.

Three: the other five shops he’d visited had the nerve to be closed. Emphasis on _had_ , since now their front doors were anything but, and rainwater was rushing through the brand new, fist-shaped gaps in their walls. Man, he’d warned them before lanunching in his quest…

And, four: he was soaked – _to – zaa – boun’ – yoo._

Anyway. _24/7-yo_ seemed open, though completely deserted. It was late, but still…no one? Shizuo took advantage of this and peered behind the cashier’s counter, where cigarettes were supposed to be.

They weren’t.

Instead, the narrow shelves were full of condoms and x-rated movies and other weird stuff he couldn’t wrap his half-delirious mind around. He shook his head. Not good. He needed his smokes quick.

 _Oo’ els’_.

Shizuo removed his sopping jacket and shirt and plopped them on the afore-mentioned counter. The discarded clothes sagged in a wet pile like…wet clothes, really. The blond couldn’t be bothered to form a mildly-poetic comparison even in broad daylight, let alone now when every single cell in his body was screaming for its nicotine dose.

A nearby clatter caught Shizuo’s attention and he almost dashed for its source. He stopped abruptly, rooted on the spot by the sight before his blood-shot eyes. For the first time that night, his thoughts revolved around something other than cigarettes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anything, he’d been expecting it (all his clients succumbed to his charms, sooner or later), and was overjoyed that his customer was having such a good time.

Sassuke was right in the middle of an epic discovery ( _Gotcha, sneaky can!_ ), his pretty little ass wriggling in the air, when heavy footsteps approached from behind. He was so focused on retrieving the naughty can, that he was oblivious to anything else...until a strong hand grabbed his perfect, spiky dark hair and yanked him up to his feet.

Just the way he liked it.

“I ask’d ya, wher’ do yea keep za smokez?” growled the angry owner of the fist clutching his hair. Before Sassuke could blink or decipher the words, he was quickly spun around, until his upturned face came close to a spectacular, although very angry and thoroughly soaked blond.

The ninja didn’t understand why the other was wearing sun glasses on a rainy night, but secretly admired his adamant dedication to his ideals. And looks. The male’s muscular chest, conveniently wet and bare, made Sassuke’s mouth water. His face betrayed none of his feelings, though. It didn’t need to.

He had other body parts better suited to express his moods.

Shizuo kept staring at the smaller male he was clutching, as if hypnotised by his dark, mysteryous eyes. Despite the rough treatment, the young employee wasn’t even blinking, forget about wincing or protesting.

The blond hadn’t been able to help himself when he saw that firm ass presented to him like that. The tight, flimsy shorts the male was wearing did nothing to hide the juicy mounds, while his equally fit black t-shirt revealed his strong, supple body. Shizuo’s gaze trailed lower still and his breath caught.

_He haa’d?_

The dark-haired employee must have been enjoying his treatment, because Shizuo couldn’t explain otherwise the heavy bulge between those long, smooth legs. Not that the terror of Ikebukuro was good at explaining things. He used his free hand to cup none too gently the other’s surprisingly hard flesh. The employee gasped slightly.

“Mi smokez…eny idea wher’ they ar’?” Shizuo asked one more time, while his lust for tobacco was vying with a different kind of lust. And, to his bafflement, was on the verge of losing.

The worked-out firmness under his roaming fingers…the smaller male’s attempts to maintain a blank expression…his breath growing more rapid with every rough, careless touch…and his scent. Dang, when had the blond ever smelled something that good?

The guy was almost better than his cigarettes.

The ex-bartender flushed in anger and embarrassment. He was about to forget his quest!

“WHER’ MI SMOKEZ AT???” Shizuo started shaking Sassuke roughly, this time using both hands, as if he were trying to fight the temptation before his eyes.

Meanwhile, the ninja was both puzzled and aroused by the blond’s barbaric behaviour. Why was he so angry on a fine rainy night like this? That was a very non-zen thing to do. And what, in the name of all the gods of porn, was this elusive “smokez” object he kept begging for?

Sassuke narrowed his eyes ever so slightly (only his most hardcore fans could tell the difference) and tried to keep his breathing even. Maybe the blond was searching for something else entirely: not an object, but a _technique_. Oh, the 3xM knew plenty of those. He’d be glad to assist his customer. After all, both _Mama-san_ and the Manager kept insisting that a good (ahem, _naughty_ ) boy like him was there to serve _._

And _please_.

^_^

 

While his magnificent and mysterious self was being vigorously shaken and showered with loud, incoherent threats, Sassuke’s nimble hands grabbed the blond’s muscular arms, and he wriggled his way out of the viselike grip. During this complicated, but lightning-fast tachnique, the ninja remained as impassive as ever, never showing a hint of his true feelings.

Before the customer could react, the dark-haired was kissing him fervently, while his pale hands were kneading at the cold and oh-so-strong chest.

It would be a great understatement to say that Shizuo was deeply shocked. He froze when that sweet tongue invaded his virgin mouth. He’d never…Nobody’d dared to do that to him, the terror of Ikebukuro. People wouldn’t even look him in his sun glasses-hidden eyes most of the time, much less _touch_ him…or ever dream of involving him in more intimate actions. Which is why this…stranger’s actions had taken him aback. To think he’d be taking such liberties with him-

The blond gasped, breathless. What was he supposed to do now, when the other male was rubbing his hardness into his own stiffening length, his fragrant tongue exploring his mouth like an erotic conquerer?

Shizuo was lost. He almost couldn’t remember who he was anymore. And, to be completely honest, he didn’t even care, as long as he could experience the bliss of the ninja’s expert kisses.

He decided to reciprocate, so he returned the kiss and touches with a vengeance. His hands were roaming hungrily across the deceptively delicate frame of the male he was holding tightly in his arms. The employee occupied his mind entirely and Shizuo didn’t even dream of releasing him. He felt that his very life depended on the ministrations of that intoxicating mouth upon his…

Maybe it did. One thing was certain: all thoughts of staying true to his tobacco quest had fled his mind like a flock of dizzy geese.

_Dizzee…_ Shizuo _was_ getting dizzy and hot under the potent mixture of lack of oxygen, the employee’s enticing taste, and his own arousal, straining painfully against his old, sogged jeans like never before. Without realizing what he was doing, he grabbed the dark-haired man and slammed him against the freshly-arranged shelves of cans.

Sassuke moaned in delight, a slight blush starting to spread on his otherwise pale cheeks. The kissing and touching became more heated, as mushroom cans were raining all around them in a metal parody of the rain outside.

The Manager won’t be too pleased by this.

Before he could fully lose his composure, the ninja slipped once more out of the blond’s feverish embrace and dropped to his knees.

Shizuo had no time to protest, or register what was going on. In a matter of seconds, his drenched jeans were pulled down expertly (no underwear, in his haste to leave) revealing a pair of strong thighs and an even stronger organ that was screaming for Sassuke’s urgent attention.

The 3xM allowed himself a moment to admire the fine view, licked his skilled lips, and plunged for the hard member awaiting his affection.

The blond shuddered and groaned as his cool shaft was being enveloped in the heat of the employee’s mouth. He gazed down, enthralled by the sight and feel of his organ disappearing between those rosy lips.

_I muss’ be drimin’._ It was as if one of his secret fantasies had come to life, embodied by the perfect specimen on his knees in front oh him. It felt too good to be true. Better than doing it by himself in his lonely, run-down apartment, thinking about-

No, he’d _neva’-eva’_ think about _that_ devil.  

Sassuke was pleased with himself, but not complacent. Never complacent, our ninja. His customer’s gasps and muffled groans were the perfect indicators of a job well done But they were nowhere near enough. As a professional, a number one, it was his duty to take things even further, to new heights of pleasure.

So he began subjecting the handsome blond to some of his favorite techniques, including _Ice Cream Melting Slowly on a Rainy Night_ , which suited the mood perfectly. And the groans increased tenfold, turning into moans and whimpers.

_Oh, yes. Nothing like doing his job right_ , Sassuke thought, as he began touching himself through his flimsy shorts.

Shizuo couldn’t remember when he’d last indulged in something even remotely similar – probably never. Heart thundering, mind fuzzy, unstoppable sounds leaving his lips without his own accord, the ex-bartender was dangerously close to losing whatever little control he had left. That hot mouth…dang…better than anything…Better than smoking, even.

_Mi smokez!?_

And then, unbidden, another thought took over the first, overwritting any crumbling intentions of fulfilling his initial mission, at least for the moment.

_Fakk za smokez!_

There was another, toe-curling fulfillment he desired. But it didn’t mean that he’d overlook the lithe tempter at his feet for making him forget his mission. His pride as the terror of Ikebukuro was at stake here.

Shizuo smirked, between heavy pantings, and fisted his inhumanly strong hands in Sassuke’s hair. He held his head still as he began thrusting into his mouth and down his throat.

The employee didn’t mind, though. If anything, he’d been expecting it (all his clients succumbed to his charms, sooner or later), and was overjoyed that his customer was having such a good time. He opened his mouth and throat wider, savoring the taste of the blond’s lack of control. If he could, Sassuke would’ve even smirked, but only a little. Like Mona Lisa. Instead, he decided to spice things up even more by humming and moaning around the invasive organ.

“Aaaaaah, ghhh…fakk, fakk, faaaak!” the blond was beyond coherence.

Before the ninja could enjoy more of his perfectly arranged hair was being pulled out mercilessly (just the way he liked it) and having his breathing obstructed, it was all over.

The blond howled, convulsed and filled his eager mouth with a few months’ worth of pent up frustration and denied pleasure. The ninja swallowed eagerly.

The world turned black and grainy around the edges for Shizuo, and he would’ve collapsed, had Sassuke not been there to support and comfort him in his moments of need. It wasn’t often that the he could be found in a vulnerable state.

The 3xM eased the still panting male on the sparkling floor of the convenience store and sat down beside him. He was still uncomfortably stiff, but, as Mama-san had taught him, “the client’s pleasure always comes before your own”.

Soon. He’d get his turn soon. He could feel it.

Until then, Sassuke settled for stroking himself slowly while the strong blond’s arm was wrapped securely, albeit unconsciously, around his pale torso.

 “Well, well, what have we here?” the tone was both lilting and mocking.  Smirking like a Cheshire cat, the thin, dark-haired man it belonged to was standing a few feet away from the two. All in black, with a small red tag which said _Manager_ , he seemed to have been there for quite a while.

Sassuke was taken by surprise. He hadn’t heard the Manager approach, which showed just how dedicated he’d been to his earlier task. But he displayed none of his surprise, having regained his usual blankness. He opened his eyes slowly and treated his boss to one of his trademark mysterious glances, while the blond next to him was still lost in the afterglow of the intense experience, oblivious to the new-comer.

 “Oh, Sassu-chan, I see you’ve been taking good care of our valued customer. Alas, the same can’t be said about the cans…” the impish male added, his sweet voice full of mock dismay. “You know what you get for a job half-done, ne? I might be persuaded to lessen your punishment, though, if you show a bit of remorse, because I don’t get to see such an impressive live show every night…I may also be persuaded to double it. It’s all… _up_ ,” he paused significantly and leered at Sassuke’s frisky member, “to you.”

The ninja gave a perfect almost-smile (just like Mona Lisa), and continued to stroke his flushed and leaking shaft with renewed enthusiasm. He spread his legs provocatively for his Manager and hit one of the fallen cans with defiant precision. It rolled under the shelves with a faint clatter. The 3xM shivered in anticipation as the other’s eyes flashed with excitement and his devilish grin grew wider still.

“Well, then,” the imp chirped, “if you want it that way…” He started unbuckling his belt, crimson eyes never leaving Sassuke for a moment.


End file.
